All the tears.

I can proudly say I smiled when we left E at daycare the first day. I was so excited for her and just knew she would enjoy being there. All the tears that I thought would have followed leaving E at daycare, for the VERY first time, didn't arrive until we tried to put her to bed last night. Without a bottle. When it comes to weaning E from the bottle, that she loves so much, I am doomed. 

I refuse to rehash the events of those awful, horrible, very sad 30 minutes. I would end up a sobbing mess if I did. I'll just say, E takes a bottle to fall asleep, still. However, 30 minutes of torture led me to research how exactly we should wean her from the bottle. I know it is going to take some work but I think I found a processes that will work better for all of us. I have decided cold turkey is not the way. 

Once our little bottle lover was finally dreaming R and I cuddled on the couch and watched a really good movie, which is all I really needed. The movie had me crying not once, not twice, but five (maybe more) times, which I really didn't need. But, 'Stuck in Love,' was a good flick. It's a story about family, real life situations and love. I recommend it. 

By the time I called it a night my eyes were ready to close. It was probably one of the most dramatic nights we've had in awhile. Or at least I have. When the tears start, they just don't stop for this mama. Here's to less tears, less drama and more sleep for The Millers. 

Keep Loving. 

The longest 2 minutes ever.

I hate to hear Edee cry.

Especially, when she is in her crib, in the dark, all alone. All I can think about is that she is so alone in the dark. I picture her standing up, holding on to the railing of her crib, tears streaming down her face and my heart breaks. Yes, I know, it's for the best and there are a lot more worse things in the world. Those two, very long, minutes seem like an hour. I have to force my self to stay calm and wait for her to settle down and give in to sleep.

This is how our nights have been this week. Edee no longer falls asleep when drinking a bottle. I can tell she is hungry because she still drinks about 6-7 ounces. But, no longer does she nod off and is sound asleep when the bottle is empty. Now, she acts fully energized and ready for more play time. So, we have resorted to kissing her good night and laying her in her crib. The crying doesn't last long at all, but, it feels like too long. Then, all of a sudden..silence. And she's out for the night.

I always go in to check on her and she is usually sound asleep, in some cock-eyed position. Which, makes me want to scoop her up and cradle her to show her I still love her. But, I know better.

I know it's just another stage. I think this stage is probably a good sign too. Soon enough we will be weening her from the bottle and she won't be able to use that as a means of falling asleep. So over all, I think I am okay with this stage.

And I do love my full nights rest.

Keep Loving.

Dear Baby E,

Dear Baby E,

In a little more than 2 short months you will join us in this big wide world. In 2 short months I will hold you in my arms and become your mother.

I'm terrified. And anxious. And very very excited. It is much like the feeling which you will someday know once a year on the night before Christmas. But, this I expect will be the greatest gift I'll ever receive. Yes, baby, I anticipate your arrival that much.

Last night, laying next to your daddy, tears streamed down my face as I thought of how unbelievably happy we are. Happy about becoming parents. Happy to look forward to another part of our future together. I drempt of your birth, of holding you, of nursing you. Your eyes were just like your daddy's. You were so beautiful. And when I held you, you were so quiet, like you knew you were safe. I hope your arrival is as amazing as this dream felt.

I can't wait to teach you how to wave, sing your ABCs, tie your shoes and know right from wrong. I want to teach you to love the little things like playing board games and taking walks. I want to teach you how to make life an adventure, a safe one of course. And I can't wait to watch you learn.

I look forward to seeing your tiny little toes
I know not every day will be a walk in the park. That some days it will seem like to much rain for going to the park, even if the sun is shining. Their will be days when I have little patience. But, I promise you, I will be the best mother I can be, everyday. I will always give every ounce of love and affection I have to you. I will give 100% to being the best momma I can be.

All my love,
Your soon-to-be Momma

Keep loving.

Weekend alone.

I'm sitting alone on my favorite couch in my quiet apartment. Today is the second day that Ryan is out of town with the guys, celebrating his last two official weeks as a bachelor. And I miss him more than I thought I would.

I've been able to spend some quality time with my sister and my great friend (almost sister) Ali. A glass of wine, girl chats and crafts were much needed after a hectic week at both jobs. A very pleasant evening. But I woke up this morning with no Ryan beside me and my eyes filled with tears. I miss him a lot.

It shouldn't be that big of deal. Not seeing your best friend, mate, lover for (not even) 3 whole days. But it is. I can't talk to him and have not a single clue as to what escapades his buddies have in store.

Or maybe I'm just being a baby. A few times today a thought would cross my mind as I wondered what he is up to or that he won't be there when I get home and my vision went blurry from tears. Again.

It's easier when I'm not thinking about him. But that's nearly impossible.

I wish I would have prepared myself for his departure and time away. I knew I had a lot to catch up, cleaning, laundry, wedding stuff. But I forgot to think that I would be doing most of this alone. I forgot to prepare myself for no hugs, no kisses, no late night chats.

I remember a time in my life when I welcomed a quiet apartment, my own room with all my things right where I wanted them. I was okay falling asleep alone. I realize now how much companionship means to me. And how much I depend on Ryan's companionship.

Deep down inside I know Ryan and the guys are all safe and having an action packed weekend. I trust the people he calls friends and more importantly I trust him. When I keep my mind focused on these things the tears disappear.

Kudos to those who can do alone time on a daily basis. I realize it is a healthy thing to have and Im sure there will come another day when i welcome the silent alone time but for now this girl needs her man.

Keep loving.