Minus One.

We, M, R and I were driving to pick up E yesterday and I found it very comforting that right smack dab in the middle of the week our whole family was together. I realized right then how much I miss M all the other days of the week. As quiet as she was hanging out in the back seat I still miss her when she's not there. I realized, riding home yesterday we're not quite whole minus one.

It's really nothing you will understand completely. Until you are in the moment. As I've said before, I never imagined falling for another woman's daughter or having this undying urge to want to spend more time with her. But, that is exactly what happen 4 years ago. And every day since we met I cant help but long to see her smiling face. Honestly, I get butterflies every time I see her again. She's such a fantastic, smart, goofy, fun girl.

I miss her when she isn't flopped on the couch reading a book, chasing after E, or begging, "Will you come outside with me now?" If I miss her there is no doubt in my mind, her Daddy does too. I can not be too greedy because I know we are lucky be granted this time with her. On the other hand, I feel like we've been totally scammed. Which is one of the many reasons why we take full advantage of our days with her and why there are moments, like the car ride, when I realize how all four of us together is what makes us a family.

I also never imagined having to share someone I love with an entirely separate family. Where rules, life style and expectations are completely different. I make a great effort to remind myself of this when the little things (washing hands, picking up after oneself and turning off lights) frustrate me. It has got to be confusing to have two sets of rules at two different homes.

I think growing up with just one mom, one dad, my biological sisters and brother, not sharing them with any one else is what really impacted my reactions to split homes. I still, can't even imagine what it is like for M. It is however, all she knows. R and I make an effort to make the transition between here and there as smooth as possible, always putting forth effort to be flexible.

That being said consistency is just as important as being flexible. We've definitely had to work out the kinks for awhile and it was a bumpy road but realizing that some things (being a few minutes early/late, keep certain clothes here or there) aren't life threatening. But consistency in our schedules, disciplines and rewards can make a BIG difference.

To all the families out there who are sharing their children, A+ for starters. Isn't sharing one of the very first life skills we teach our children? Which also happens to be the same thing that takes a whole heap of effort?

1. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to remember who is affected most in a split home situation: the children.

2. Be flexible. You might think this one needs to go at the bottom of the list and that is exactly why I put it at the top.

3. Consistency. It makes life that much easier on the child when the parent is consistent; with everything.

4. Love. Just love them and every moment you have with them.

5. Don't forget, if this journey is difficult, frustrating and makes you want to give up remember #4.

Our situation is far from perfect. I hope shedding light on how we deal with having to share one of our children might help; even just a little bit.

Keep Loving.

I never, ever, ever imagined.

I have to say, getting a full time job, after waiting for so long is everything I'd hoped it would be and everything I hoped it wouldn't be all rolled into one long 40 hour week.

It's dress clothes, nice shoes, smelling good (Green peppers and onions only smell good on a sandwich. Not your hands) and feeling good.

It's a sense of accomplishment and feeling worthy and a little proud every day.

It's steady...everything: alarm clock sounding in the morning, pay check, hours, weekends, lunch breaks. Everything is set. (I like consistency: if you needed a reminder.)

It's learning, discovering, lessons, research and decision making all day.

It's exciting, new and challenging.

But,

I've never been more torn between two things as much as am I now. How do I look out for what's best for my family when I can't be beside them looking out for them?

I never, ever, ever, imagined I'd feel such sadness and heartache when I kiss my daughter good bye every morning.

After I hug her and right before I look away from her innocent, blue eyes my heart breaks. I want to go back to her and scoop her into my arms, hold her, sway back and forth for just a few moments longer. Because I know I am missing out on precious moments of her being little years.

I don't see her smiling sleepy face after a nap or her silliness when she plays. I don't hear her babble German sounding things or pick out her outfit to get dressed.

I know it's for the best and for our better future together. I know I'm making a difference for all of us and that it will get easier. I know Moms do it all the time and I know E is safe and sound.

But then it's time to go to work again.

Keep Loving.

How old is she?

The most frequent asked question when we are out and about is: How old is she? And as soon as I am comfortable telling them how many months old Edee is, it changes.

It feels like in a blink of an eye I looked again and my red faced, tiny little new born is on all fours. Her little red face transformed to porcelain skin. Her squeaky new born coos and caas, now mama, dada, baba, papa. Her gummed smile now holds two little teeth and I must say the site of them makes me smile EVERY time.

I'm almost freaking out every time I tell a curious stranger she's 5 months, 6 months, 7 months...
My house isn't baby proof, I'm not baby proof and I am hardly good at just being myself let alone being a Mom to more than a infant. I know my daughter needs so many things; a healthy diet, consistency, manners, good habits, etc. Can give her all of these things? (Maybe I'm just some form of vulnerable tonight.)

I sit here 10 o' clock at night, after just rocking Edee to sleep again and worry. Because worrying is what I do. Then, when I think of my daughters sweet face and how she nuzzles into me I forget about all of these things. I believe I can just love her and hope, with a bit of effort, the rest will follow.