We, M, R and I were driving to pick up E yesterday and I found it very comforting that right smack dab in the middle of the week our whole family was together. I realized right then how much I miss M all the other days of the week. As quiet as she was hanging out in the back seat I still miss her when she's not there. I realized, riding home yesterday we're not quite whole minus one.
It's really nothing you will understand completely. Until you are in the moment. As I've said before, I never imagined falling for another woman's daughter or having this undying urge to want to spend more time with her. But, that is exactly what happen 4 years ago. And every day since we met I cant help but long to see her smiling face. Honestly, I get butterflies every time I see her again. She's such a fantastic, smart, goofy, fun girl.
I also never imagined having to share someone I love with an entirely separate family. Where rules, life style and expectations are completely different. I make a great effort to remind myself of this when the little things (washing hands, picking up after oneself and turning off lights) frustrate me. It has got to be confusing to have two sets of rules at two different homes.
I think growing up with just one mom, one dad, my biological sisters and brother, not sharing them with any one else is what really impacted my reactions to split homes. I still, can't even imagine what it is like for M. It is however, all she knows. R and I make an effort to make the transition between here and there as smooth as possible, always putting forth effort to be flexible.
That being said consistency is just as important as being flexible. We've definitely had to work out the kinks for awhile and it was a bumpy road but realizing that some things (being a few minutes early/late, keep certain clothes here or there) aren't life threatening. But consistency in our schedules, disciplines and rewards can make a BIG difference.
To all the families out there who are sharing their children, A+ for starters. Isn't sharing one of the very first life skills we teach our children? Which also happens to be the same thing that takes a whole heap of effort?
1. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to remember who is affected most in a split home situation: the children.
2. Be flexible. You might think this one needs to go at the bottom of the list and that is exactly why I put it at the top.
3. Consistency. It makes life that much easier on the child when the parent is consistent; with everything.
4. Love. Just love them and every moment you have with them.
5. Don't forget, if this journey is difficult, frustrating and makes you want to give up remember #4.
Our situation is far from perfect. I hope shedding light on how we deal with having to share one of our children might help; even just a little bit.
Keep Loving.
