6 things I discovered at 6:00 AM

At 6:00 AM it's quiet. Really quiet. The house is so quiet I dare not make breakfast. The creek of the bedroom door sounds louder than usual. The cat beckon's for his breakfast before I'm even half-dressed. His meows pierce the silence. But once he's satisfied and I am fully dressed the silence is so peaceful I bask in it for just a minute before I brew a cup of coffee. 

Seeing E in the morning really does complete my morning but I don't dare wake her this early. Settling for a kiss on the cheek before I leave for work doesn't compare to her hug and little voice, that is starting to sound so grown up, when she says, "I love you mama. Have a good day."

I miss out on conversations with my hubby and a hot breakfast too. He's just emerged from the pile of warm blankets that I left an hour ago and the missiles aren't firing yet. If there's one thing I remind myself daily it's that 6:30 is not the time to talk about work, lunches, dinner plans, that the dishes in the dishwasher are clean. It's really not the time to talk at all. P.S. I still get my goodbye kiss.

Waking up early gives me more time in the day. Duh! Honestly, I accomplished so much more by going into work early. Plus, by 8 AM I'm wide awake and ready to rock.  The peace and quiet that followed me to work allows me to focus more and keep that focus. I am not trying to brag here when I say I feel more accomplished. It really is spectacular and very rewarding. You should try it sometime.

The morning sky sure is peaceful. The moon is still high in the sky at 6 AM and there is a really bright star (or possibly a planet) in the sky at the end of my street. Sleepy shades of pink slip over the horizon and fade out the sleepy night sky.

The world is already wide awake. Roads are just as busy at 6:30 as they are at 8:00. I take that back; they're busier. Early risers don't hesitate to fly down the highway and I'm over here in the slow lane forcing my eyelids open trying to not to chug my coffee.

All though leaving E sound asleep, not seeing her until the afternoon, settling for just a goodbye kiss from my hubby instead of a good conversation and a hot breakfast is not easy. But, I know my early mornings have rewards of peace and quiet, sunrises and a sense of accomplishment and the best thing: getting out early to see my kiddo.

It's all about perspective. When I look at the big picture I sacrificed a few small things but ultimately receive more time with E in the afternoon. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Keep Loving.

I never, ever, ever imagined.

I have to say, getting a full time job, after waiting for so long is everything I'd hoped it would be and everything I hoped it wouldn't be all rolled into one long 40 hour week.

It's dress clothes, nice shoes, smelling good (Green peppers and onions only smell good on a sandwich. Not your hands) and feeling good.

It's a sense of accomplishment and feeling worthy and a little proud every day.

It's steady...everything: alarm clock sounding in the morning, pay check, hours, weekends, lunch breaks. Everything is set. (I like consistency: if you needed a reminder.)

It's learning, discovering, lessons, research and decision making all day.

It's exciting, new and challenging.

But,

I've never been more torn between two things as much as am I now. How do I look out for what's best for my family when I can't be beside them looking out for them?

I never, ever, ever, imagined I'd feel such sadness and heartache when I kiss my daughter good bye every morning.

After I hug her and right before I look away from her innocent, blue eyes my heart breaks. I want to go back to her and scoop her into my arms, hold her, sway back and forth for just a few moments longer. Because I know I am missing out on precious moments of her being little years.

I don't see her smiling sleepy face after a nap or her silliness when she plays. I don't hear her babble German sounding things or pick out her outfit to get dressed.

I know it's for the best and for our better future together. I know I'm making a difference for all of us and that it will get easier. I know Moms do it all the time and I know E is safe and sound.

But then it's time to go to work again.

Keep Loving.