I never, ever, ever imagined.

I have to say, getting a full time job, after waiting for so long is everything I'd hoped it would be and everything I hoped it wouldn't be all rolled into one long 40 hour week.

It's dress clothes, nice shoes, smelling good (Green peppers and onions only smell good on a sandwich. Not your hands) and feeling good.

It's a sense of accomplishment and feeling worthy and a little proud every day.

It's steady...everything: alarm clock sounding in the morning, pay check, hours, weekends, lunch breaks. Everything is set. (I like consistency: if you needed a reminder.)

It's learning, discovering, lessons, research and decision making all day.

It's exciting, new and challenging.

But,

I've never been more torn between two things as much as am I now. How do I look out for what's best for my family when I can't be beside them looking out for them?

I never, ever, ever, imagined I'd feel such sadness and heartache when I kiss my daughter good bye every morning.

After I hug her and right before I look away from her innocent, blue eyes my heart breaks. I want to go back to her and scoop her into my arms, hold her, sway back and forth for just a few moments longer. Because I know I am missing out on precious moments of her being little years.

I don't see her smiling sleepy face after a nap or her silliness when she plays. I don't hear her babble German sounding things or pick out her outfit to get dressed.

I know it's for the best and for our better future together. I know I'm making a difference for all of us and that it will get easier. I know Moms do it all the time and I know E is safe and sound.

But then it's time to go to work again.

Keep Loving.