Journal Day #1

"Everyone has a time in their life they view as a crossroad. Sometimes you can see it as it's happening, and you're able to choose one way or another. Other times you may not realize you're there until you look back, and see what a turning point it really was. This week, write about a time you view as a marker in your life; a distinct place where things changed, for better or worse." - Author of Sometimes Sweet

The walls in the room were a sticky pollen yellow. The sun blazed through the window creating a square shape of light beside me. It doesn't take me long to remember this specific moment and the details of the memory. I never realized it was a crossroad in my life until I read the crossroad stories shared on Sometimes Sweet and the very inspirational stories shared by the followers comments there.

In this memory I was sobbing, huddled in a ball-like position on the faded navy blue, rough carpet. I could barely breathe as I thought, 'this man I am falling head over heels for doesn't love me. I am so in love with him and he thinks I am too sensitive, not strong, a nobody.' Of course then it felt so much worse because I thought I had failed the most important person in the world: myself. I was so distraught, hurt and upset I couldn't manage to form a single logical thought in my head.

 For the life of me I can not remember what prompted one of our very first fights but I felt like the ground beneath me was falling away and I couldn't get a strong enough hold on anything to keep myself from falling in. He had said such harsh words it sent me into a near panic attack. I had to figure out how to pull myself together to become a strong, less sensitive individual and most of all find the confidence to stop thinking I was a nobody. Because even then I was a sister, daughter, friend and his world.

Looking back on that moment I realize that was a major crossroad in my life. It was the very day I stood up, straightened my hair, wiped my face and decided I can do this. I can be better than a crying mess on the floor. I can be strong and take constructive criticism as long as I remember it is for the best.

I sometimes wonder and think R must have known it was important to tell me what he needed to, even if it was a bit harsh. I know he didn't purposely send me into a crying fit. Back then I was so sensitive he could have looked at me and the water works would have started.

I believe the slow transition and gentle push from my then boyfriend has made me a better person. The best part: he is still by my side every day as my husband and lover as I work on my sensitivity. Sometimes it is in the very moment I have to realize I am just being sensitive. As with most things that you try to change, it does get better. You just have to keep trying.

Keep Loving.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Note: The following might be a little bit deeper topic than I usually discuss.

Have you ever read the books 'A series of Unfortunate Events' by Lemony Snicket? Or maybe you've seen the movie that was made starring Jim Carrey? As the story goes, the poor children encounter so many misfortunes that it is almost humorous. Which, if it were actual reality it wouldn't be the least bit funny at all. When something unfortunate occurs in my life these stories return to my thoughts and I can't help think, it could be worse.

That's the trick; perspective. Honestly, it usually takes me a few days to realize that in the scheme of things it could be worse, but after a little time I do come to the conclusion that whatever the misfortune, it could be worse. I, then, ask myself, how can I be more prepared when another situation of the same nature arises? How will I respond if there is a next time? Once I've made a sound decision in my mind I feel much better and I put the current event to rest.

I am only in control of my own actions and thoughts. And I can only improve as I move forward. That is all anyone can do.

When I take a moment to look at the big picture, where I've been, where I'm at and where I'd like to go I realize I am pretty lucky. Sometimes one just has to look at what they do have. Are you lucky to have a spouse? A best friend? Children? Health? A job? Spare change to do your laundry? Ability to walk around or watch your favorite TV show?

See, there is always one thing to be thankful for.

Keep Loving.

Nothing but an amateur baker.

Today, was a reminder of why I do not, repeat do not, have a likeness for baking. Every time I've tried to bake, somehow, something goes haywire. Thank God my chocolate lover husband and baking queen MIL came to my rescue and saved my goodies and my cookie exchange planned for tomorrow.

Why I get myself into these cookie exchange deals every year is beyond me?!? Oh of course I want to meet and eat; that's the best part. But the first part is to bake cookies. Keyword: bake. I can not bake. Anything to do with cooking more than a one course meal has me running for the hills. (Or at least as far away from the stove as I can get.) P.S. I thank R for every meal he cooks because I am so thankful he does.

Well, I found the cutest recipe cards online and some really adorable blogs in the process of looking up a recipe for peanut butter balls. I decided to make the famous peanut butter balls because they are everyone's favorite; my sister, who will be at the exchange tomorrow and R included. I got so excited about the recipe cards, fancy blogs and tantalizing photos of baked sweets that I thought, oh, peanut butter balls can't be that bad…

Luckily my MIL walked me through the first part of the recipe, to the point in which I felt confident I could melt chocolate and dip the rolled morsels in it. I actually enjoyed this part. We've been talking about baking since the first day she moved to town. And we finally got to! It was great. Until she walked away from the stove. I'll spare you the details of an almost disaster and just say I almost burned the chocolate. Until, R came to the rescue. He grew up in a chocolate shop and let's just saw he knows a few things about cocoa.

None the less, my first attempt at making peanut butter balls was a success. Oh! I can cross off #7 on my holiday to-do list!

I'm glad I had assistance. Thank you D and R for saving me and my little treats. My apron is going back on the shelf for awhile. I hope the ladies enjoy these tasty little goodies.

Feel free to share your baking stories, favorite recipes or any advice you have for this amateur baker.

Keep Loving.