Journal Day #1

"Everyone has a time in their life they view as a crossroad. Sometimes you can see it as it's happening, and you're able to choose one way or another. Other times you may not realize you're there until you look back, and see what a turning point it really was. This week, write about a time you view as a marker in your life; a distinct place where things changed, for better or worse." - Author of Sometimes Sweet

The walls in the room were a sticky pollen yellow. The sun blazed through the window creating a square shape of light beside me. It doesn't take me long to remember this specific moment and the details of the memory. I never realized it was a crossroad in my life until I read the crossroad stories shared on Sometimes Sweet and the very inspirational stories shared by the followers comments there.

In this memory I was sobbing, huddled in a ball-like position on the faded navy blue, rough carpet. I could barely breathe as I thought, 'this man I am falling head over heels for doesn't love me. I am so in love with him and he thinks I am too sensitive, not strong, a nobody.' Of course then it felt so much worse because I thought I had failed the most important person in the world: myself. I was so distraught, hurt and upset I couldn't manage to form a single logical thought in my head.

 For the life of me I can not remember what prompted one of our very first fights but I felt like the ground beneath me was falling away and I couldn't get a strong enough hold on anything to keep myself from falling in. He had said such harsh words it sent me into a near panic attack. I had to figure out how to pull myself together to become a strong, less sensitive individual and most of all find the confidence to stop thinking I was a nobody. Because even then I was a sister, daughter, friend and his world.

Looking back on that moment I realize that was a major crossroad in my life. It was the very day I stood up, straightened my hair, wiped my face and decided I can do this. I can be better than a crying mess on the floor. I can be strong and take constructive criticism as long as I remember it is for the best.

I sometimes wonder and think R must have known it was important to tell me what he needed to, even if it was a bit harsh. I know he didn't purposely send me into a crying fit. Back then I was so sensitive he could have looked at me and the water works would have started.

I believe the slow transition and gentle push from my then boyfriend has made me a better person. The best part: he is still by my side every day as my husband and lover as I work on my sensitivity. Sometimes it is in the very moment I have to realize I am just being sensitive. As with most things that you try to change, it does get better. You just have to keep trying.

Keep Loving.