Finding Myself, Again.

June 20th, 2020

I want to share my thoughts and experiences with the world but sometimes I just don’t have the right words. Some days I feel ready to share but end up putting it on the back burner. Other days I fear my words aren’t good and I don’t want to share the bad. I want to give good to the world. I want to be the one that leaves a room better than when I entered it.

Books, conversations, and the mastermind group I’ve been attending this year helps me believe I can do this, all of this. Not just writing and sharing transparently, but motherhood, marriage, and personal growth too. Today is a good day. Today, I believe in myself. I believe my words are meaningful. I believe my journey is unlike anyone else’s journey and it’s worth sharing.

If I am talking about being transparent I have to tell you right now the last few months I haven’t believe in myself. My thoughts were down right negative. I was focusing on the dislike in every room of my apartment, in every conversation, in every person and in myself. I didn’t like the person I had become or these thoughts that continued swirling around in my brain.

My mantra for 2020 was Look Up. When Covid19 hit, I found myself doing the opposite. As hard as I tried I couldn’t lift up my head. I forgot these words. I forgot who I was. I fell into self-doubt, self-ridicule and nothing mattered. I cried every day for 5 days in a row. Who knew I had that many tears? I didn’t, until then.

Others told me, ‘Have Grace’ ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself,’ ‘When was the last time you went through a pandemic?’ The answer is never. NEVER. I picture myself during those days as a clown, balancing on a board on top of a big ball juggling multiple colored balls. And then, I fell. I lost grip. I lost focus of all the things that mattered most to me. 

Today, something changed in me. For the first time since April I am looking up. I can think clearer than I have been able to since the schools, stores, towns, and countries started shutting down. Somehow, somewhere I found clarity and realized all that I have been working for this year, the last 5 years is here. What I am doing is working.

I saw an old friend for the first time in years and he said, ‘All you can do is see the good in each day. Maybe that was the meaning of all this.’ We talked about how seeing the good isn’t always easy, sometimes it takes more effort but there is good in every day. You just have to find it.

I found my good. I didn’t give up. I kept trying. I put in the work and the tears and pushed through. I know the journey is not over but I am hopping back on the path. I can do this.

. Keep Loving.

Hairy day.

When you open your eyes in the morning you might have a good idea of what you are going to do that day. Either that or you might begin planning your day. But at that very moment you never can tell how the day will turn out. Ryan, Maddi and I had a rather hairy day. (Yup hairy). But it turned out to be a really wonderful day, just the three of us. I'll explain.

We woke up thinking we had the entire day to play, except for running a few errands. Ryan said we could decide what we wanted to do with the day. We had so many options that Maddi was riddled with excitement. She could barely make out sentences. :)
So we made our decision and hopped in the car to head to our first destination. Only to have our hopes dashed. Plans were canceled for a few different sad reasons and Maddi & I had to sit tight in the backseat and wait while Dad stopped a few more places.
This part of the day seemed like it took forever. We colored, played dot to dot, drew pictures and even played some guessing games. Poor Maddi, Lil miss energetic asked what was taking so long about 25 times. Poor me had to listen.
If you haven't figured it out yet this is what you call a hairy day.

Ryan knew our patience were running thin so as we were driving down the freeway he veered off into Craig's Cruisers. And our day took a leap in the right direction.
We drove the go carts, Maddi's first time ever driving her own, played arcade games and even experienced the batting cages.

We had a good ol' time!

After a quick dinner and short nap we took a bike ride downtown GH. Considering ALL three of us have bicycles now, we couldn't resist!!

Riding third in line I watches as Maddi followed her Daddy and shopped over curbs, peddled fast and skidded to a stop right after him. It made me smile.
Maddi is growing up so quickly. This summer she is swimming like a fish and biking like a pro. Sometimes I can't believe my eyes. I can only imagine Ryan is thinking the same thing.
Riding through Grand Haven on bicycles is such a fancy free experience. So different than the normal trips to and from work in my car.
We stopped by dairy treat to rest and cool down with fun flavored slushies. Once our tongues were green and blue we trekked back home.

I can't help but think this was a perfect day. And how easily it turned around. Days like these are what keeps me looking forward to the next.

Keep loving. And smiling.