Finding Myself, Again.

June 20th, 2020

I want to share my thoughts and experiences with the world but sometimes I just don’t have the right words. Some days I feel ready to share but end up putting it on the back burner. Other days I fear my words aren’t good and I don’t want to share the bad. I want to give good to the world. I want to be the one that leaves a room better than when I entered it.

Books, conversations, and the mastermind group I’ve been attending this year helps me believe I can do this, all of this. Not just writing and sharing transparently, but motherhood, marriage, and personal growth too. Today is a good day. Today, I believe in myself. I believe my words are meaningful. I believe my journey is unlike anyone else’s journey and it’s worth sharing.

If I am talking about being transparent I have to tell you right now the last few months I haven’t believe in myself. My thoughts were down right negative. I was focusing on the dislike in every room of my apartment, in every conversation, in every person and in myself. I didn’t like the person I had become or these thoughts that continued swirling around in my brain.

My mantra for 2020 was Look Up. When Covid19 hit, I found myself doing the opposite. As hard as I tried I couldn’t lift up my head. I forgot these words. I forgot who I was. I fell into self-doubt, self-ridicule and nothing mattered. I cried every day for 5 days in a row. Who knew I had that many tears? I didn’t, until then.

Others told me, ‘Have Grace’ ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself,’ ‘When was the last time you went through a pandemic?’ The answer is never. NEVER. I picture myself during those days as a clown, balancing on a board on top of a big ball juggling multiple colored balls. And then, I fell. I lost grip. I lost focus of all the things that mattered most to me. 

Today, something changed in me. For the first time since April I am looking up. I can think clearer than I have been able to since the schools, stores, towns, and countries started shutting down. Somehow, somewhere I found clarity and realized all that I have been working for this year, the last 5 years is here. What I am doing is working.

I saw an old friend for the first time in years and he said, ‘All you can do is see the good in each day. Maybe that was the meaning of all this.’ We talked about how seeing the good isn’t always easy, sometimes it takes more effort but there is good in every day. You just have to find it.

I found my good. I didn’t give up. I kept trying. I put in the work and the tears and pushed through. I know the journey is not over but I am hopping back on the path. I can do this.

. Keep Loving.